Every couple fights. It's perfectly normal. But it's how you choose to handle those fights that determines whether
you're just another healthy couple or a duo that's headed for trouble.
In a time when the divorce rate is at an all time high, the most common reason couples report that they separate or call
it quits is a breakdown in communication. When couples stop talking, they start fighting - and what may begin as a squabble
here, war of words there can quickly escalate into World War II. Communication becomes chat - mindless banter, when no one
really says anything worth hearing.
Couples throw in the towel quickly these days, which mystifies me when you consider how hard it sometimes is to find a date in
the first place, let alone settle down with a mate. Not every relationship needs to take a detour down the road of destruction.
It may sound kind of strange, but there is actually an art to fighting, an art to working through a fight and an art to ending a
fight. Follow these few tidbits of advice, and though it wont eliminate the fights from your relationship (a couple that never
fights I'd wager to say isn't really all that in love), it sure will make them a hell of a lot more manageable.
If you truly care about someone, I think it's fairly safe to say the last thing you want to do is truly hurt them. Therefore,
choose your words carefully.
Remember the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Well with all due respect
to that lovely epithet's author, it's bull shit. Words sting. They are perhaps the most powerful weapon on Earth, and when
you choose to fire them off like weapons, prepare to suffer the consequences.
It's easy to say things you don't mean in the heat of the moments . but chances are, most of what you say you'll regret later.
Chances are also that the particular fight you happen to be having isn't worth saying anything you'll regret later.
On that note, don't be afraid to walk away. Taking a time out to remind yourself why you're fighting in the first place might help
to put things into perspective. It might also keep you from putting your foot in your mouth and causing some serious damage. Sure,
you run the risk of really pissing off the person you're fighting with by appearing to "ignore the problem," but you'll
make things even worse if you say what's on your mind without censoring.
Once you've taken a breather and walked away from the situation, you'll be able to have a clearer head with which to address the
problem - that is, if there even is a problem. This is the moment where you get to pick and choose your battles.
Some things are worth fighting about - things you care deeply about in your soul. For example, if your boyfriend suddenly tells
you he's bi-curious and screwing the mailman, you can get upset.
But other things, when you get right down to it, are pointless. If your girlfriend accidentally TiVo'd over Sports Center, hit the
wall or something, then get over it. Sure, you can drag out a fight for hours if the spirit moves you, but it's stubborn pride
keeping you from patching things up.
If after thinking about it, you come to the realization you're having one of those stupid fights, come right out and say so. Admit
the fight is pointless, attempt to reach a compromise or (if you really don't care) cave and move on. Time is valuable, and the
faster you bury the hatchet, the faster you can, um . make up.
If this disagreement means something to you, think about what you want to communicate, wait until you've both had a chance to blow
off some steam and talk things through. Not yell, talk. Say your peace and listen to the flip side. Too often in fights, we're so
concerned with being right and getting our way. Relationships are about compromise and most of the time, you have to give a little
to get a little.
If you find you're in the sort of relationship in which every fights results in a yelling match, you both might benefit from telling
your troubles to a third party. Therapy has this eerie connotation - it means something's wrong with you. Far from it. Perfectly
normal people go to therapy, and having someone who'd not allowed to take sides (despite what you see on TV) sit there and help you
through your problems is sometimes a refreshing feeling.
When you are in the throes of a fight, never be afraid to say you're sorry. Saving you're sorry is not the same as admitting you're
wrong, something so many people can't seem to get. If you say you're sorry for hurting someone's feelings, it doesn't mean you're
sorry for making your point or doing what you did. It means you're sorry for the way things were perceived and the part you played
in that. Being able to acknowledge when you're wrong is a rare and attractive quality.
And, as just a little side tip, sometimes, if you want to put a quick and painless end to a relatively stupid fight, admit you're
wrong even when you aren't. Some people in relationships are stubborn - they need to hear those two magic words before they can
move on. And if you don't really care about being right, what's the harm in occasionally giving them what they want.
Fighting is inevitable - it's part of life, love and the pursuit of a relationship. Knock down, drag out wars are not. Before you
get to the brink of domestic violence (because that is so not right), take a step back . breathe . and realize that so long as you
communicate and keep each other's best interests at heart, fighting is normal. Without it, your relationship is stale. it means no
one cares enough to get emotional. And no one spends their lives thankful for a stale relationship.
Top